Ahhh! I feel like I can slightly breath again, my head is clear, my body is relaxed and my feelings are settled and focused (mostly) again on my family and the future. My dark stormy days are in the past for now and I'm moving forward full steam ahead with love and life and thanking my lucky stars that I feel like me again!
The last two weeks I have had to put blogging on a bit of a hold, I had this sea of negative vibes and emotions swirling around inside of me. At first it started off with a touch of PMS and disappointment I feel every month when I know my period is coming. I thought "Ok, fine" I just needed it to start so I can move on to my next month, but then full on rage and despair took a hold of me and there was no letting up, nothing was going to make me feel better and I hated everything, my body, my home, my place in life. I wanted to lye in bed and see no one and do nothing, not even my LC I didn't even want to be her mummy, not then, not in those moments I wanted to be far away, from everything.
So a meltdown followed and I knew my old friend PND had stopped by to see me again, oh joy! As usual my patient and understanding OH reigned me back in from emotional and mental self destruct and help me get to the bottom of it all, focusing on what had happened to tip me over the edge this time.
It was indeed a combination of neglected hormones and the frustration of being stuck in a rut and not seeing a way out, with a family tragedy thrown in to the middle of it all! I realised I hadn't taken any vitamin B6 or evening primrose oil for a number of days, these are my life savers especially around my time of the month and the lack of had sent my hormones crashing! This coupled with my frustration of my useless body and my constant dislike of where we live sent my well being in to doom like state :(
So fast forward a few days of tear, tantrums (mine and LC, her diva like strops were not helping the situation much either!) getting some supplements in to me and talking things through with the OH clarity set in.
We had the most lovely Easter weekend which really helped to lift my spirits, my OH took me and LC to the mostly loveliest seaside town just down the road by an hour which got us talking more about the future and made us realise there is always a plan B (although we are really hoping plan A comes together a works out!) this lifted me a lot and gave me a sense calm and also determination and some new found energy that was much needed.
So now with my mind on the future and feeling rather hopeful again that things will come together when they are meant to I am ready to face the world again and bask in the sunshine!
This time I realised though that there were a few things I could of done to not let my mood escalate so much so here are my tips for keeping well and taking care of yourself when more than just the blues set in.......
1. Eat well! Mood food is so good for the mind and eating a healthy balanced diet can really help. Plenty of fruit and veggies and water to give your body a boost.
2. Shake your booty! Whatever you like doing exercise can really help your low mood and increase all those endorphins that help us feel energised and happy. For me this is easier said than done as working out is the last thing on my mind so I set achievable goals like walking to the park or playing football in the garden with LC something I know I can do and with all things I don't want to do when I'm low but have to I tell myself I only have to do it for 5 mins and then take it from there!
3. Support systems! This time I kept it all inside, my lovely mum made me promise her when she knew what was going on that I would phone her when I was low, I didn't feel like it but when the days were rolling on and I was on my own I decided to call her, it helped it really did and dear old mum talked me through those feelings and gave me some new perspectives, also felt loved and like someone cared and had done their best to understand me!
4. Extra support and nourishment. When I had this debilitating thing at the end of last year I saw my doctor for the first time, normally I can shake off the blues in a couple of days but this time it wasn't going away, my OH was quite worried and I so wanted to feel normal again. The doctor and I decided against anti-depressants because of certain factors happening in my life at the moment but agreed a good alternative was vitamin B6 and evening primrose oil. For me, these really do work, there are also other alternative therapies available and the best thing to do is talk to your doctor about what is right for you, other people have been successful with counselling and CBT too.
5. Don't be afraid to get to the root of the problem. Research shows that women who go through a birth trauma are more likely to suffer with PND. I had one with LC and it took me a while to get to grips with some aspects of motherhood, I also feel robbed of an experience that I thought was going to be amazing but just turned out to be stressful, hazy and upsetting. I still carry so many mixed emotions about it now so this week I am back at the hospital 18 months later to finally have a debrief with the hard of Midwifery to go over my birth and medical notes. (will update in a later post).
Finally......
6. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It's very hard not to feel angry and in utter despair with yourself when feeling this way, but PND is an illness like any other and it takes time to recover. If you had a broken leg, a bout of flu or even a serious illness you would rest and give yourself the time and space to recover and get better, depression is the same. Remember with the right support you won't always feel this way, you can and will make a recovery, many other mums go through this too, it is nothing to be ashamed of, you are not a bad mum and asking for help means taking control of this horrible disease!
For me this is something that may never go away but as time goes on I learn to deal with and handle better. I actually spend most days working with other women who have and are suffering with PND so I have come to understand it very well, I just wish I could sometimes follow my own advice, but then that would make life too easy!!
P.S. - well done if you have gotten this far, I know it's rather long!
